making something


if there is anything you should know about me it is that i often start cute new hobbies, like this blog, get busy (or forget) and stop. but sometimes i get bored and revisit them, like right now. 

so this past year i've been writing and recording and i've definitely dropped hints about it but here it is for real: i am putting out new music very very soon!! i'm sooo excited for you to hear it... and i guess the point of this post is to dissect just what that sentence means to me. i think i've said or written it about a million times over the years and the more i think about it the more i think it is a worthless way of saying what i am actually feeling. i think every time i say it it loses more meaning. i'm realizing it's pretty ridiculous to attach the most superficial sentence i could possibly put together to music that i'm trying to make extremely honestly.

 so let's break this down like we're high schoolers in an advanced english class... 


"i'm sooo excited for you to hear it"

"i'm sooo excited":

first of all, the amount of "o"s in the word "sooo" is absolute bullshit. i'm aware my extra vowels aren't convincing me or anyone else of just HOW excited i am but i use them anyway. so from this we learn i'm banking on excessive letter usage to spice up my language just like a seventh grade girl sending that carefully crafted "heyyyy" text, because obviously the extra y's make it more casual.

now let's take a minute to talk about the word "excited". what a fucking lazy choice. "excited" could be exchanged for any of the following:

i am sooo ______


-scared shitless

-fucking stoked

-eager to share the thing i've so carefully worked on

-proud of what i made

-glad i've finished recording this project

-incredibly sad i've finished recording this project

-confident in every decision i made

-rethinking every decision i made

but more honestly, it's all of those things at the same time.


"for you to hear it":

obviously i make music so you can hear it, but when i'm actually in the process of making it i don't like to think about that at all. it's so easy to get caught up in what other people think that it runs the risk of strangling the creativity and honesty out of you. i have spent a lot of my life way too concerned about what everyone else thinks of me. getting preoccupied with what other people think of the things you do, the things you say, the things you wear, or the things you make can become dangerously paralyzing. this time around making music has become a space that i get to take up all by myself, a place i get to make the thing that makes ME most excited. i realize this is kind of counterintuitive in an industry all about audience response and approval, but i really do find that writing specifically and honestly without fear of judgement creates the most relatable product. the hope is that by making something i truly love, someone else will love it too.

it can feel like i'm constantly worrying about what someone else might think of what i'm doing, what i'm saying, or how i look, and 

my favorite part of all of this is simply making the thing. it's taking the little feeling in my stomach, the melody in my head, and the words on the tip of my tongue and putting that puzzle together in a way that makes sense to me. when that happens you end up with a project you're super proud of and often at the same time a little scared of.

there will be more soon on the details of this release but most importantly i want you to know i am so close to sharing something that i really love, i am anxious, i am eager, and "i am sooo excited for you to hear it."





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